But I can't seem to remember people being so very fat back then. We were plump, rotund, stout. But obese? I can't really remember that being a problem.
What has changed? How can I write about it? I keep thinking I want to write about being a fat girl, and how that ruined my life, maybe as a way to reach other fat girls, so that together we can figure this out. What's going on? Why couldn't I control myself, and why can't we, men and women, boys and girls, control ourselves now?
We're so incredibly unhappy being fat, yet we can't stop eating. It's like we're crazy, like we're punching ourselves in the head saying 'oww, oww' but we still keep doing it. Of course, eating feels better than punching, yet we're doing that much damage to our bodies.
I keep thinking it's a question of caring about longevity. When you're fat, you don't really care about living a long time, so those warnings about health issues don't matter much. You don't look good, you don't feel good, maybe death isn't such a bad option. At least that's how I felt. Actually, death seemed very far away, and avoiding it seemed as easy as avoiding aliens from outer space.
Maybe the answer is to find happiness in things other than food. I think I started to lose weight when I found ways to act on my dreams, if that doesn't sound too cheesy. When I get stuck, when I'm waiting for someone else to do something, that's when I focus on food. Engaged in life, in activities that I love, I tend to forget about it.
So maybe that's the girl I can write about. Why does she eat? Why can't she stop? What can she remove or add to her life that will change her focus? What would she be like if her dreams came true?
Just thinking aloud here. As usual.
Me and Sami pigging out on pudding at the diner. Am I setting her up?
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